Today is day 7 since Amma left us. At this time last week, we (Appa, my chittis Mangalam (mom's younger sisters) and Indira, my Periamma Loknayaki (Mom's older sister),and Chittappa (my chitti's husband) were sitting around the dinner table, having, what turned out to be Amma's last meal. My brother (Ravi) had left for Bangalore just a couple of hours earlier. Everybody was in Pune for a family wedding- one that my mom had been excitedly looking forward to for months. She had called me a dozen times before coming - had I figured where all her sisters would go ? Where will go first ? Was the cab booked ? The wedding got over and the sisters and their spouses had a hectic sight seeing schedule lined up. Last Friday had been day 1 of schedule.
There was Puran Poli with Amti on the menu and Sabudana Khichdi, and Pani puri too..and mangoes. I watched on as Amma gorged (silently scolding her for eating too much). The table conversation was lively, and chatty, as is when siblings get together. There was laughter, and stories, and more stories. But none of us guessed, that these were our last moments with Amma..
I want to hold time still at that moment right now. Knowing what I know now, I want to warn Amma 'dont go to sleep tonight...'. I want to tell Ravi, 'stay back in Pune, dont go to Banglore' (Would she have lived, had he been around ? she loved him so so much..) I want tell Appa, wake her up at 5.00 am (would she have lived if she was awake, not asleep ?) I want to hug her tight and tell her I love her (did she know I loved her ?).
This last week has been surreal, strange..We- all of us who loved amma deeply- have suddenly been inducted into this silent tribe..This tribe of people that have lost a chunk of their Heart to that wretched thing called Death and are walking around with a large Gash that refuses to heal. A wound, that at the slightly opportunity becomes raw again. I know this tribe from the messages they send, from the calls they make. We are all kindred spirits, and every time somebody we know loses somebody deeply loved, we live our pain one more time...
Adios Amma...I never got to say my goodbye to you last week. Did I tell you, you were loved by so so many ?
There was Puran Poli with Amti on the menu and Sabudana Khichdi, and Pani puri too..and mangoes. I watched on as Amma gorged (silently scolding her for eating too much). The table conversation was lively, and chatty, as is when siblings get together. There was laughter, and stories, and more stories. But none of us guessed, that these were our last moments with Amma..
I want to hold time still at that moment right now. Knowing what I know now, I want to warn Amma 'dont go to sleep tonight...'. I want to tell Ravi, 'stay back in Pune, dont go to Banglore' (Would she have lived, had he been around ? she loved him so so much..) I want tell Appa, wake her up at 5.00 am (would she have lived if she was awake, not asleep ?) I want to hug her tight and tell her I love her (did she know I loved her ?).
This last week has been surreal, strange..We- all of us who loved amma deeply- have suddenly been inducted into this silent tribe..This tribe of people that have lost a chunk of their Heart to that wretched thing called Death and are walking around with a large Gash that refuses to heal. A wound, that at the slightly opportunity becomes raw again. I know this tribe from the messages they send, from the calls they make. We are all kindred spirits, and every time somebody we know loses somebody deeply loved, we live our pain one more time...
Adios Amma...I never got to say my goodbye to you last week. Did I tell you, you were loved by so so many ?
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